What do I say to someone who tells me what I think?
He projects, I feel
Two different mechanisms. Only one of them ever questions itself, and it isn’t his.
“I’m not responsible for your interpretations.”
Chapter 40 — The Sun King
When it happens to you
He tells you what you think, what you feel, what you meant to do. And he’s certain of it. After 20 minutes, you start doubting your own version — even though you were there.
Why you end up doubting yourself
He projects, you feel: these aren’t two versions of the same fact, they’re two different mechanisms. Only one of them ever questions itself. As long as you try to correct his, you’re handing him yours to examine.
Rule
What he projects isn’t what I feel. And I don’t have to play the rescuer to prove it.
How to stick to your version, in 4 steps
- He tells you: “You’re too sensitive” · “you got it wrong” · “you’re making it up” · “you push me to the limit” · “you belittle the magnitude of what I’m going through”. Recognise that he’s invalidating you, and stop correcting yourself.
- Go back to the facts, not the intentions. “I’m sticking to the facts.” · “What you’re saying has changed since yesterday.”
- Hold your ground. “I see it differently, and I’m entitled to.” · “That’s not my intention, it’s your interpretation.”
- 3 seconds’ pause every time he changes his version. You breathe, you take note, and you don’t answer straight away.
⚠ Never play the rescuer with someone who’s on fire
This is the rule that costs the most when you forget it. You don’t put him out: you catch fire. You can take in his glow, listen to him, and keep your distance. Look at the sun, yes — never head-on, and never without sunglasses.
What it changes for you
You get out of the loop where you spend your evenings gathering proof of your good faith. Your feelings don’t need his approval to exist, and that’s what gives you back your sleep.
How to practise
For one week, just note down the phrases from the catalogue when they come. Don’t answer any more than usual. Simply recognising them already changes how you feel when you hear them.
Remember
He projects. I feel. It isn’t a crime, it’s my nature.
You may be wondering
And what if he’s right, and I really did get it wrong?
It happens. You can tell the difference by what comes next: someone sincere tries to understand with you. Invalidation isn’t looking for anything — it shuts the conversation down.
Is he doing it on purpose?
Most of the time, no. He’s certain of what he says. That’s exactly why convincing him doesn’t work, and why distance is your only lever.
What do I do if it’s my boss or my brother?
You don’t cut them off: you set the distance and the length. That’s guide 21, the deckchair and the sunglasses.