How do I know whether someone is really there for me?
Married to beer
And when it comes to fidelity, he’s truly beyond reproach.
“He’s married to beer. And when it comes to fidelity, he’s truly beyond reproach.”
Chapter 22 — Itsy-Bitsy the Maggot and the Teeny Button
When it happens to you
Someone swears something to you and you can feel it doesn’t add up. “I’m here for you.” “You matter more than anything.” You don’t know what to say because, on paper, it’s true: he says it with sincere eyes, he means it. So you wonder whether you’re the one overreacting.
Why you can’t win an argument with someone sincere
He isn’t lying to you, he’s lying to himself. He’s not a con man, he’s blind: he believes what he says, and his actions tell another story he can’t hear. You can see it — that’s why you feel out of step, you’ve got both versions in front of you and he’s only got one.
Rule
Words show the intention. Actions show the priority.
How to look in the right place, in 4 steps
- One week, one notebook, 3 columns: time, money, attention.
- Every evening, you note where they went. No interpretation, no comment, no trial. Facts.
- After 7 days, you look at what comes out on top. That’s where his loyalty lies, not in the Sunday-night speech.
- Then do it on yourself. The notebook works both ways, and that’s often the most revealing part of the exercise.
⚠ We’re talking about a habit, not one evening
Someone may cancel an evening on you because their parents are in hospital: that says nothing about you and nothing about him, except that he has a life. Something coming up is just something coming up. What we’re looking at here is repetition. One fact isn’t a sign; 7 days is a trend; three months is an answer.
What it changes for you
You stop looking for proof in the conversation, where it isn’t. You get out of doubt: you no longer wonder whether you’re overreacting, you’ve got your columns. And you decide for yourself, because you’ve looked.
How to practise
7 days in a row, 2 minutes each evening. Then once a month, over 3 days, to check the picture hasn’t changed.
Remember
He told you what he believes. His actions told you who he is. Both were sincere — only one was true.
You may be wondering
Isn’t that spying?
No: you note what concerns you, not what he does with his life. The difference is simple — you don’t open anything, you don’t search for anything, you look at what comes your way.
And what if the columns prove me wrong?
Then you’ll have won back your sleep, which is no small thing. This exercise is as good for dissolving a worry as for confirming it.
What do I do with what I see?
Nothing straight away. The notebook is there so you can decide with full knowledge, and a decision made coolly the following week beats a scene that same evening.