In a mountain restaurant on a party night, a waiter trips over the huge black dog lying across the aisle: his tray goes flying, Coraline leaps with her arms out to catch it, and the blond man roars with laughter without moving from his chair — The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, practical guide His “we” doesn’t exist

He includes you in his decision without asking your opinion?

His “we” doesn’t exist

Q: He includes you in his decision without asking your opinion?

Call out his posture, not his decision. “Your we doesn’t exist. There’s no consensus without consent. You didn’t ask my opinion. I don’t agree. It’s no. Full stop.”

Q: Do it beforehand: set your rule

“Don’t speak for me. Ask my opinion first, and respect it if I don’t agree. It’s called a couple, not a fan club.” One short sentence, said early, saves a whole evening.

Q: How do you take back your place?

One short sentence is enough, the less you say the less he has to grab on to. “Speak for yourself, not for me.” “Better for us? No: just better for you.” “I’m sticking to what we agreed together.”

Call out his posture, not his decision. You don’t agree, and nobody asked you anything.

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The net closes in

He’s taking you out to dinner. You’re looking for somewhere to go.

— “What about the village?”
— “No, I don’t like it.”
— “What about the resort?”
— “Not that either. I’ve got a better idea: what about the one right next door?”
— “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I work there.”
— “Yes! It’s the best option. There, I’ve booked, now come here!”

“Our table — or rather his ego — has been plonked in the middle of the aisle.”

An hour later, in the middle of the room, he gets up:

— “We’re leaving, follow me!”

Extract from chapter 16 — The Chestnut-Stuffed Turkey

Why this “we” traps you

“We’ve decided.” No: he decided. He shifts his responsibility onto you, and makes you carry a choice that isn’t yours.

And if you challenge it afterwards, you’re no longer turning down a decision: you’re spoiling the mood. He’s counting on it, he reckons you won’t dare.

He isn’t your boss. And even if he were! You have the right to say no.

Do it straight away

Call out his posture: he’s manipulating you.

— “Your “we” doesn’t exist. There’s no consensus without consent.”
— “You didn’t ask my opinion. I don’t agree. It’s no. Full stop.”

Do it beforehand: set your rule

Setting the rule once the decision has been announced is already defending yourself. Setting the rule beforehand means you don’t have to.

— “Don’t speak for me. Ask my opinion first.”
— “And respect it if I don’t agree. It’s called a couple, not a fan club.”

One short sentence, said early, saves a whole evening.

What not to do

Don’t get drawn into the subject. Don’t discuss it, don’t justify yourself, don’t negotiate.

There is no subject: you don’t agree. It’s no. Full stop.

How do you take back your place?

One short sentence is enough. The less you say, the less he has to grab on to.

He says “we’ve decided”.
— “Speak for yourself, not for me.”
He insists, it’s better for everyone.
— “Better for us? No. Just better for you.”
He assumes you agree without having asked you.
— “I’m sticking to what we agreed together. Not to what you decided on your own.”
And when it’s a royal “we”, answer with humour.
— “Would you like the royal throne as well?”