How do I stay close to someone overwhelming?
Deckchair and sunglasses
You don’t argue with a star. You set your distance.
“Now I look at the sun fondly… but never head-on, or else with bulletproof sunglasses.”
Chapter 40 — The Sun King
When it happens to you
There’s someone who takes up all the space. Not necessarily a monster: sometimes it’s a sunny colleague, a parent, a friend who shines very brightly. You come away from every encounter drained, with the film still playing at midnight. And yet you don’t want to cut them off.
Why there’s nothing to win by arguing
He never questions himself, and it isn’t ill will: he’s the only one of his kind, with no other sun to compare himself to. What he feels, he takes for everyone’s truth. You won’t convince him — not because you argue badly, but because he has no organ for it.
Rule
You don’t argue with a star. You set your distance.
How to set the distance, in 4 steps
- The length. You set an end time before you go. 40 minutes, two hours, whatever — but it’s decided beforehand, and coolly.
- The topic. You choose what you talk about. The rest, you don’t pick up, even if he puts it on the table.
- What you give up. You don’t try to convince him of anything. You listen, you take it in, you don’t argue with his truth. You can even admire the glow, it’s pretty from a distance.
- You leave at the time you set. Not when it’s over — when it’s time.
⚠ This isn’t running away
Leaving on time isn’t slamming the door: you’re not surrendering, you’re ending a war nobody can win. And it isn’t coldness — you can be tender, funny and warm for all the time you’ve decided to give. The distance is in the frame, not in the tone.
What it changes for you
You keep the people you don’t want to lose without losing yourself. You go home with your energy instead of leaving it on the table. And the midnight film stops, because there’s no game left to replay: you weren’t trying to win.
How to practise
Once, at the next planned encounter. Write your three decisions on a piece of paper before you go, and check afterwards whether you stuck to them. After three times, it becomes automatic.
Remember
Look at the sun as much as you like. Wear sunglasses, and get out of the deckchair at the time you chose.
You may be wondering
He’ll notice I always leave at the same time.
Probably, and that’s not a problem. “I’ve got something on after” is a complete sentence — it doesn’t need a follow-up.
Does that mean giving up on being understood by him?
On the subjects where he can’t, yes. It’s sad to write, and it’s what sets you free: you stop going to fetch water from a place where there isn’t any.
And what if it’s every day, at work?
Then length becomes your unit of measure: you set each exchange rather than each meeting. 5 minutes standing up beat an hour sitting down.