Coraline sings out of tune in the rain, hanging from a lamp post — The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, practical guide
Hummingbird, the icon of the practical guides of The Hammock and the Hummingbirds

Why does everything land on me at once?

I won’t pay other people’s debts

Loyal, yes. But to myself first.

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The keyYou can’t stop other people being at war. You can refuse to take part.

“There’s no way I’m paying other people’s debts. Loyal, yes. But to myself first.”

Chapter 38 — Hot-and-Cold Shower with Spin Cycle

When it happens to you

Everything falls apart the same week. A warning at work, someone leaving, a bill. And your first thought, instantly, is: what have I done?

Why you take the hit by reflex

When several people have a problem and only one doesn’t defend herself, the maths does itself: it’s easier to hit that one. It isn’t a conspiracy, it’s convenience. And as long as you’re looking for your own fault, you’re doing exactly what suits everyone.

Rule

Just because it lands on you doesn’t mean it belongs to you.

How to hand back what isn’t yours, in 4 steps

  1. List what happened this week. One fact per line, no comment.
  2. Next to each line, write who it benefits. Not who’s nasty: who gains something. Time, money, peace, a problem solved.
  3. Cross out everything that wasn’t up to you. There are usually two or 3 lines left. Those are yours, and they can be dealt with.
  4. For the rest, one sentence, once: “This isn’t my problem to solve.” You don’t say it to anyone. It’s for you.

⚠ This isn’t letting yourself off everything

The exercise is for sorting things out, not for never owning up to anything again. The two or 3 lines left after sorting are real, and they ask something of you. A guide that made you conclude nothing is ever down to you wouldn’t help you — it would only make you lonelier.

What it changes for you

You get back a huge amount of energy, the energy that went into prosecuting yourself. And you become able to act again: you can’t do anything with an imaginary fault, whereas a real problem always has a next step.

How to practise

Next time everything lands at once, take 10 minutes before answering anyone. The list first, the answers after.

Remember

I leave behind me their wars, which aren’t mine.

You may be wondering

How do I know what’s mine?

One question is enough: could I have done otherwise with what I knew at the time? If the answer is no, it isn’t yours.

And what if I really did make a mistake?

Then it’s in the two or 3 lines that are left, and you deal with it. Owning up to one specific mistake is much lighter than carrying a general guilt.

This sounds like playing the victim.

It’s the opposite: a victim waits for it to be explained, this sorting is there to identify what you can act on from tomorrow.

Your version belongs to you I respect your wounds. I protect myself. 100% pass rate When your judges are your accusers The third time, stop answering Read the chapter

Watch the hummingbirds

Watching the hummingbirds means changing your point of view.
Seeing things from every angle.
Accepting every part of ourselves. And of other people.
And laughing about it.

A hummingbird has every colour. So do we. Our shadows and our light.
You take one step to the side: green turns pink. Then gold.
Nothing has moved, except you.

What a practical guide is for

Trying out a tool.
Changing your point of view.
Laughing at something that weighed on you this morning.

What it isn’t

It isn’t therapy.
It isn’t a diagnosis.
It isn’t a courtroom: nobody’s looking for a culprit.
It isn’t a rulebook for good behaviour. You do what you like.

What it’s for

Accepting that we’re human. And fallible.
Our shadows. Our light.
Taking the drama out, to melt the resistance.
Not judging ourselves. Not judging others.
Laughing about it. It works better, and it’s more fun.

Nobody gets judged here. Least of all you.
We don’t know anything you don’t. We just wrote some tools.

Where these guides come from

Nobody made them up. They came out of a novel, chapter by chapter — in the order I learnt them. Not in logical order: in the order life threw them at me.

What you get, end to end:
Not getting stuck in the middle.
Not having to prove your worth.
Understanding the other person without carrying what’s theirs.
Spotting what keeps repeating.
Setting the limit, and holding it.
Naming the manoeuvre, which is enough to defuse it.
Getting out when the judges are also the accusers.
Listening to the body, which answers before we do.
Sorting out what we keep.
And finally: choosing where we’re heading.

I only saw the logic afterwards, reading it back. That’s why it holds: nobody drew it up in advance.

If something feels too big for you, see a professional. A guide is a tool, not a doctor.