He contradicts himself and you can’t prove it?
Write down the proof
Write down the date and his words, and you’ll be sure of yourself. You won’t convince him.
The net closes in
On Monday he says white, with solid, well-structured arguments, in a calm, confident tone. You take his word for it. On Tuesday he says black, and insists with a straight face that he’s always thought black. On Wednesday he says grey. On Thursday green. And by Friday you’re seeing red. So you look for the explanation on your side. He speaks five languages fluently, you translate English like Manuel from Fawlty Towers. It must be a misunderstanding.
Extract from chapter 25 — Advice Against
Trap
Instead of questioning what he said, you doubt your own memory. You start your sentences with “maybe I misunderstood”, and he lets you believe it.
— “I’d rather be free than be right.”
Stop trying to convince him. You don’t need to be right any more. Stop fighting in his arena. It’s pointless. It isn’t yours.
Are you going mad?
No, you’re perfectly sane. You understood correctly: he said one thing and its opposite. But what makes you doubt is that spoken words fly away. So it’s better to write them down.
How do you write down what he says?
2 columns, and nothing else. Write it down with the meticulous neutrality of a Swiss court clerk.
- The date. Day and time.
- His words. Word for word if you can. Not your summary, not your interpretation, no comments, no emotion. You record, you don’t judge.
After two weeks, you read it back, and you see that on the same subject, he says everything and its opposite. You no longer have anything to prove to anyone: you know.
Should you show him your notes?
Understand that he isn’t looking for the truth, he’s looking to be right. So don’t try to prove to him that he contradicts himself, you won’t manage it. He isn’t the one who needs convincing, you’re the one who needs reassuring.
So don’t fall back into the trap of wanting to convince him. Don’t pull out your notes in the middle of a row. This proof is not a weapon to be turned against you. This proof is there to help you make your decision without being swayed, to believe what you wrote down, not what he tells you.
Why does it hurt so much when he contradicts himself?
He says everything and its opposite, as long as it serves his interest. It isn’t true, but it suits him.
You look for consistency, you think he does too. Wrong. That’s how he’s got you.
If you believe what he tells you, word for word, then his contradictions send you on an emotional rollercoaster. You’re happy, then sad, then angry. And that’s what wears you out.
Remember
One written proof is worth a thousand words.
Write down for yourself what he says, with the date. And see that he really did say everything and its opposite: you’ve got the proof in black and white.
Now that you’ve understood it, make your decision, and move on. Stop arguing, stop doubting yourself.
“Verdict: acquitted. And I refuse any appeal.”
Practical guide 04 — Write down the proof
“My pen is my NO.”
The novel The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, by Karine Baridon.
Guide 03 — The third time, stop answering
Watch the hummingbirds