Why do I run away when someone gets close to me?
Come here… but not too close
Drawn in and pushed away at the same time. It’s an old alarm, and it can be reset.
Where it comes from
When the people close to you take up all the room, a child quickly learns that love costs space. They say no, and it gets ignored. Only one limit still works: leaving.
As an adult, the alarm stays switched on. It goes off as soon as someone gets close, even when that person is gentle.
How it plays out
Drawn in and pushed away
You want the bond, and the bond scares you. So you move closer, then you back off as soon as it gets close. You miss them again, you move closer again.
Draw in, push away, start again.
The trap with people who insist
Faced with you, the other person gets scared of losing you and insists. The more they insist, the more you back off. The more you back off, the more they insist. Each confirms the other’s fear.
The more he chases, the more you run.
The back-to-front filter
Pushy people force the door and get in, because their pressure feels familiar. Gentle people stop at your first no, because they respect you. You keep the ones who smother you and let go of the ones who’d do you good.
Respect passes for lack of interest.
How to tell if this is you
- You shut the door very fast, even on someone you like.
- Your throat tightens when the other person becomes tender, thoughtful, present.
- You stay a long time with people who wear you out, and you quickly leave the ones who calm you.
Where to start
The remedy fits in one idea: set your limit before you suffocate. When your limit gets through, you can stay.
- Say you need space right from the start, calmly, as a matter of course: “I need my evenings to myself.” “I’ll reply tomorrow.”
- Watch how the other person takes a small no. If they respect it, you can get closer. If they insist, sulk or guilt-trip you, your alarm is right.
- Listen to your body and say so. Tight throat, urge to hang up: “I’m at saturation point, I’ll call you back tomorrow.”
- Come back. Getting some air and coming back is breathing. Every return teaches your body that close means free.
- With someone gentle, say “not yet”. “I want to, and I need to take it slowly.” They know your rhythm, and they follow it.
- Leave the door ajar. A small yes, a coffee, a call. And if you shut it too fast, open it again yourself: “I shut the door quickly the other day, I’d love to see you again.”
— Coraline, The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, chapter 19
⚠ The nuance that changes everything
Running from someone who ignores your no isn’t avoidance: it’s protecting yourself. A no ignored once already tells you something about them.
This guide is about the other case: when you also run from someone stable and gentle, just because it’s getting close.
And if the alarm is very loud, it can be worked on with someone whose job it is.
Getting some air and coming back is breathing.
Getting some air and never coming back is running away.
Taken from the novel The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, chapter 19, “Monolong”.