Coraline holds up in front of her face a cardboard sign that says NO, while the Viking, leaning towards her, argues with open hands — The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, practical guide Say no without negotiating
Hummingbird, the icon of the practical guides of The Hammock and the Hummingbirds

Say no without negotiating

When you say NO, does the other person stop or not?

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The net closes in

— You said NO.
— He answered with a question.
— You explained.
— He answered your explanation.

20 minutes later, you’re defending yourself. And you’re wasting your time, your energy, explaining yourself. It never ends.

Stop! You have the right to say NO.

Trap

“The more I explain my no, the more you find a crack to argue through.”

Extract from chapter 28 — Shuffle Mode On

Solution

Say NO, and stick to your decision. No explaining, no negotiating.

Give him a chance, in 3 steps

  1. — He doesn’t agree.
    — Say NO, in one short sentence. “No, that doesn’t work for me.” Full stop. No “because”.
  2. — He insists.
    — Repeat exactly the same sentence. “It’s no.” Same tone, without getting irritated.
  3. — He insists again.
    — Close the discussion. “I’ve already answered you. It’s still no. End of story. Let’s change the subject.” Without losing your temper, give him nothing to grab on to.
Tell him to stop

He’s had his 3 chances. He won’t get another.

  1. — He still insists. He won’t stop.
    — You have the right to walk away without getting angry, or to get angry and bang your fist on the table. But from now on, it’s over. You don’t give him any more chances.

Why not explain?

Because if he isn’t listening to you, it means he just wants to use your reasons against you, to make you change your mind.
QED. Silly him!

Spot quickly who you’re dealing with

Tip

Always ask yourself “Whose interest does this serve?” and change your strategy accordingly.

  1. — Is he listening to you and trying to understand you?
    — You can explain your reason.
  2. — He’s listening to you, only to use your reasons against you, or to ask you to justify yourself.
    — You give him no explanation. You don’t justify yourself. Stop.
  3. — He isn’t listening to you and wants to be right at all costs. He wants to change your mind, and uses your reasons in his own interest, to serve his goal.
    — You cut it short straight away. Stop.

Remember

Saying no means respecting yourself and making others respect you.
You give him 3 chances. After that, enough is enough. You set your limits.

You don’t have to justify yourself. Full stop.
You have the right to say no, to disagree, to have your own opinion, to have your own reasons. And to exist.

Practical guide 01 — Say no without negotiating
“My pen is my NO.”
The novel The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, by Karine Baridon.

Stop adapting So, in practice? Why I can’t say no When someone decides for me Read the chapter
First guide All practical guides Guide 02 — Decide without giving in to pressure

Watch the hummingbirds

Watching the hummingbirds means changing your point of view.
Seeing things from every angle.
Accepting every part of ourselves. And of other people.
And laughing about it.

A hummingbird has every colour. So do we. Our shadows and our light.
You take one step to the side: green turns pink. Then gold.
Nothing has moved, except you.

What a practical guide is for

Trying out a tool.
Changing your point of view.
Laughing at something that weighed on you this morning.

What it isn’t

It isn’t therapy.
It isn’t a diagnosis.
It isn’t a courtroom: nobody’s looking for a culprit.
It isn’t a rulebook for good behaviour. You do what you like.

What it’s for

Accepting that we’re human. And fallible.
Our shadows. Our light.
Taking the drama out, to melt the resistance.
Not judging ourselves. Not judging others.
Laughing about it. It works better, and it’s more fun.

Nobody gets judged here. Least of all you.
We don’t know anything you don’t. We just wrote some tools.

Where these guides come from

Nobody made them up. They came out of a novel, chapter by chapter — in the order I learnt them. Not in logical order: in the order life threw them at me.

What you get, end to end:
Not getting stuck in the middle.
Not having to prove your worth.
Understanding the other person without carrying what’s theirs.
Spotting what keeps repeating.
Setting the limit, and holding it.
Naming the manoeuvre, which is enough to defuse it.
Getting out when the judges are also the accusers.
Listening to the body, which answers before we do.
Sorting out what we keep.
And finally: choosing where we’re heading.

I only saw the logic afterwards, reading it back. That’s why it holds: nobody drew it up in advance.

If something feels too big for you, see a professional. A guide is a tool, not a doctor.