You’re still treated like a child: how do you take back your place?
Take back your place as an adult
Keep the bond, and let go of the guilt. Their worry isn’t your responsibility.
The net closes in
Saturday night, at a friend’s. You’ve just hung up in front of everyone.
“My parents are over-zealous secret agents, on a mission: Watch your daughter 24/7.”
— “But you’re 50!”
— “Thanks, that’s sweet. 54, actually.”
— “Your parents still call you every evening?”
— “Yes, and sometimes several times a day.”
— “You’re not 12 any more, OH THE SHAME!”
Extract from chapter 7 — Ring ring, my parents
Trap
Their calls cost you your credibility.
7 missed calls. Your sister stationed outside your door, ready to identify your body.
— “She’s not picking up? She’s been abducted by aliens!”
— “They call my sister, drafted on the spot into a commando operation, private detective, to track down the international fugitive.”
You pick up in front of your friends, you apologise, you crack a joke to smooth it over. In the end, nobody takes you seriously any more, whatever the subject.
Should you answer them straight away?
No. Their worry belongs to them.
They don’t call you to talk to you, they call you to reassure themselves. Their fear isn’t justified. You can love them without being reachable 24 hours a day.
How do you take back your place?
Prepare your sentences before you need them, in case you can’t find the right one on the spot, the one that comes to you three hours later, in the shower.
- Write 3 sentences that answer what happens to you most often.
— “I’m fine, I was busy.”
— “Please stop calling my sister to find out where I am.”
— “We’re all adults. We can trust each other, and love each other without keeping tabs.” - Say it gently, without reproach, naturally. Tone is everything, and so is humour: lightening the mood gets a limit across better than a reproach.
- Then stop talking. Your silence sets your limit, not your sentence. Pick up, answer, hang up.
You no longer come off a call thinking “I should have said that”.
What not to do
Don’t apologise in front of other people, and don’t make fun of yourself to smooth over the call: that’s where you lose your place.
Don’t fire off your 3 sentences in one go. Say just one sentence, and leave a silence.
Why does it start again every day?
For them, worrying is a proof of love. Keeping watch is their way of being there: they mix up loving and reassuring themselves, and so checking.
You answer to reassure them, it works, and it starts again the next day, one notch higher. Old habits die hard.
Feeling guilty?
That’s normal, it happens the first few times. It’s not a sign you got it wrong: it’s the noise an old habit makes when it shifts.
Don’t mix up loving them and reassuring them, either. There are degrees to respect: health, survival, you give news. At the cinema, you don’t.
Consistency changes a relationship, not the grand gesture
Hold the same line from one time to the next. Doing it once changes nothing.
Remember
Keep the bond, let go of the guilt.
Say one sentence, then stop talking.
You can love each other without keeping tabs.
Practical guide 06 — Take back your place as an adult
“My pen is my NO.”
The novel The Hammock and the Hummingbirds, by Karine Baridon.
Guide 05 — Leave the room
Watch the hummingbirds